February: Dennis Rodman sent North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Un, a box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day with a poem: “You da one, you der leader, hope this candy, makes you sweeter.” Kim Jong-Un responded by shooting his aunt and two cousins.
March: A record snowfall fell in Death Valley, California. No photographs were taken as both flakes melted as soon as they hit the ground.
April: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 was discovered in Hugh Helfner’s Playboy Mansion’s backyard. The reason given as to why the passengers have not contacted the outside world is no one wants to leave the mansion. However, two Playboy Bunnies did escape.
May: Sandra Fluke finally admitted she did not spend $3,000 a year on birth control while at Georgetown University. “Actually I spent $120 on birth control and $2,880 advertising myself on Craigslist.”
June: President Obama was discovered at a local Washington McDonald’s. “Michael was serving steamed carrots and asparagus again. I wish she would get off this healthy diet kick and go back to real food. Malia and Sasha are stashing Little Debbie cakes in their closet but I can’t hide anything. Well, maybe a birth certificate or two but that’s about it.”
July: Bill Clinton admitted he recently saw Hillary drying off after a shower. “She’s graduated up to using beach towels now. I don’t know anyone else who uses elastic in the rear end of their pantsuits. I had nightmares for about a month.”
August: Fall football practice got underway after the NCAA announced that the fasting moving object in the world was Coach Nick Saban riding a bicycle through Baton Rouge. The second fastest moving object was Lane Kiffin moving out of Oakland, and Knoxville and Los Angeles.
September: Four million students tried to enroll in the University of Tennessee when the student president announced that sex week would be held again this year.
October: Halloween came and went again this year without Freddie Kruger making an appearance. Jason, however, was seen swimming in the Tennessee River.
November: The biggest surprise in decades occurred when President Obama refused to pardon the Thanksgiving turkey. “I’m gonna eat that sucker,” he said. “I can’t take anymore of Michael’s steamed carrots and asparagus. I called Jimmy Carter the other day and he’s sending some peanut patties.”
December: Christmas was almost canceled because one radio station in Arizona refused to play Elvis Presley’s “Blue Christmas.” Attorney General Eric Holder donated a Black Walnut tree to Ferguson, Missouri to replace the usual Scotch Pine. “Not because of a color issue but there were no bagpipes for the Scotch Pine but there were plenty of nuts for the other tree.”