Wisconsin Duck Hunting

By Jim Callicott

I watch Duck Dynasty on a regular basis but I am not, nor will I ever be, a duck hunter. Duck hunting involves early mornings and cooler weather, if not down right cold. I don’t do either one of these activities well. I also do not eat duck, or geese or any creature that flies in the air.

I have never considered myself a hunter of wild animals. However, my relatives in South Louisiana believe if you can shoot it, you can eat it. Ever tried barbeque armadillo? Cajun Hors d’oeuvres on the half shell as it is referred to in the local dialect.

At a recent family reunion the subject of duck hunting came up and cousin Bubba Broussard brought up the story of a couple of fellows from up north that he met at a Ducks Unlimited banquet.

I thought my kin marched to the beat of a different drummer but these two guys have their own marching band. We will refer to them as Sid and Clyde because that isn’t their real names. You’ll understand why their true identity should remain private.

Last winter Sid bought a new Lincoln Navigator for $72,000 which comes with monthly payments of $860. Keep those two figures in mind.

One Sunday afternoon, Sid and Clyde, after more than a couple of beers, decide to go duck hunting. They live in upper Wisconsin, its mid-winter, all the lakes are frozen, most ducks have already gone south, but a few hardy feathered souls are still around.

The duo load their gear and drive to the lake. Judging the ice to be several inches thick, Sid proceeds to drive out on the lake in the new Navigator with their guns, a few bottles of beer and a dog. Keep the dog in mind.

Clyde decides they should make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, somewhere their decoys can float. They decided the Navigator will serve as the duck blind. They have a beer to celebrate their wisdom.

Making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck is going to take a little more power than the average drill can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator Sid procures a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse.

Sid and Clyde realize they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse, so they decide on the following course of action; Sid will light the 40 second fuse and throws the stick of dynamite as far as possible. This brilliant idea requires another beer.

Sid holds the stick of dynamite and Clyde lights the fuse. Sid throws the dynamite as far as he can. Remember the dog?

Buck is a highly trained Black Lab used to retrieving ducks, small animals and especially anything thrown by his owner. Buck takes off running across the ice at break neck speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40 second fuse, just as it hits the ice. He starts trotting back to Sid and Clyde.

The two guys realize what is happening and start waving their arms, yelling and screaming at Buck to stop. Buck, believing he is being cheered on by his owner, keeps coming at a steady trot.

Clyde panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots at Buck. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 bird shot, enough to take care of a duck at close range but not a big Black Lab at a distance.

Buck stops for a moment, confused and wounded, then continues on. Another shot and the dog is really confused and now terrified. He takes off to find cover. The only cover on the entire lake is the new Lincoln Navigator.

Sid and Clyde start running in the opposite direction. Buck slides under the Navigator and is greeted by a hot exhaust pipe to his rear end. He yelps, drops the stick of dynamite and takes off after Sid and Clyde, figuring he’s safer being shot at that having his rear end toasted.

Within seconds there is a loud explosion, a huge hole appears under what is left of the Navigator and the remains of a $72,000 vehicle sinks to the bottom of the lake.

Sid and Clyde stand there with an “I can’t believe this just happened” look on their faces. Buck joins them, bloody with hair singed off his rear end. The three start a long walk home.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered by the policy. Sid has a string of $860.00 monthly payments due to the bank.

The dog is okay but refuses to retrieve anything and is waiting patiently for Sid and Clyde to get out of jail. It appears several game laws were broken plus the Vikings beat the Packers on Sunday Night Football. It just wasn’t their day.

I’d like to see that episode on Duck Dynasty.

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